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Vampires: Los Muertos

They're hot, they're sexy ... they're vampire hunters! Once-respectable director John Carpenter, eager to put his name above the title on some of the most abominable crap-cinema of recent times, exec-produced this straight-to-Blockbuster sequel to his gawdawful John Carpenter's Vampires. In this turgid piece of dung (officially titled John Carpenter Presents Vampires: Los Muertos), pop icon Jon Bon Jovi plays a sexy, cynical, I-can't-believe-how-much-he's-not-Snake Plisskin-without-the-eyepatch vampire killer named Derek Bliss. He gets a job in Mexico from a mysterioso client, then puts together a not-so-crack team that includes one of the leftover guys from the previous film (sexy Cristian de la Fuente as Father Rodrigo), a sort-of-undead hip chick named Zooey (sexy Natalie Wood spawn Natasha Wagner), and the requisite annoying kid sidekick (Diego Luna, doing a bizarre sort of Karate Kid-meets-Peter Lorre-meets-Speedy Gonzales turn). It turns out that a mucho-powerful femme vamp (sexy Arly Jover, of Blade) must have seen the first film, because she knows about the Big Magic Cross That Lets Vampires Walk Around in the Daylight™, and she'll slaughter anyone in her path to get it. Unfortunately, this is not as gory, suspenseful, or interesting as one would think. It may sound like a joke to say that Vampires: Los Muertos isn't as good as Vampires — that sounds suspiciously like saying that dog vomit isn't as good as warm mucus — but it really is true. The plot is predictable, the dialogue appalling, the acting stinks, the budget is bargain-basement, and the action sequences are dull as dishwater. Here's a clue: The biggest, baddest vampire killer in the movie is played by the older brother from the '80s sitcom "Family Matters." Need we say more? Columbia TriStar's DVD offers a good anamorphic transfer (2.35:1) with pan-and-scan (1.33:1) on the flipside and Dolby Digital 5.1 audio. On board is a commentary track by director Tommy Lee Wallace, who's also to blame for the TV version of Stephen King's It, Fright Night II, and the crap-tacular Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Keep-case.
—Dawn Taylor

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