Vampires: Los Muertos
They're hot, they're sexy ... they're vampire hunters! Once-respectable director John Carpenter, eager to put his name above the title on some of the most abominable crap-cinema of recent times, exec-produced this straight-to-Blockbuster sequel to his gawdawful John Carpenter's Vampires. In this turgid piece of dung (officially titled John Carpenter Presents Vampires: Los Muertos), pop icon Jon Bon Jovi plays a sexy, cynical, I-can't-believe-how-much-he's-not-Snake Plisskin-without-the-eyepatch vampire killer named Derek Bliss. He gets a job in Mexico from a mysterioso client, then puts together a not-so-crack team that includes one of the leftover guys from the previous film (sexy Cristian de la Fuente as Father Rodrigo), a sort-of-undead hip chick named Zooey (sexy Natalie Wood spawn Natasha Wagner), and the requisite annoying kid sidekick (Diego Luna, doing a bizarre sort of Karate Kid-meets-Peter Lorre-meets-Speedy Gonzales turn). It turns out that a mucho-powerful femme vamp (sexy Arly Jover, of Blade) must have seen the first film, because she knows about the Big Magic Cross That Lets Vampires Walk Around in the Daylight, and she'll slaughter anyone in her path to get it. Unfortunately, this is not as gory, suspenseful, or interesting as one would think. It may sound like a joke to say that Vampires: Los Muertos isn't as good as Vampires that sounds suspiciously like saying that dog vomit isn't as good as warm mucus but it really is true. The plot is predictable, the dialogue appalling, the acting stinks, the budget is bargain-basement, and the action sequences are dull as dishwater. Here's a clue: The biggest, baddest vampire killer in the movie is played by the older brother from the '80s sitcom "Family Matters." Need we say more? Columbia TriStar's DVD offers a good anamorphic transfer (2.35:1) with pan-and-scan (1.33:1) on the flipside and Dolby Digital 5.1 audio. On board is a commentary track by director Tommy Lee Wallace, who's also to blame for the TV version of Stephen King's It, Fright Night II, and the crap-tacular Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Keep-case.